the beginning?

It's only in the beginning of a truly and utterly true detox that you fully realize what you're about to do. Because it's only at that moment that you can think. I'm not talking pondering whther or not you should do that. I'm not talking about deciding if it's a good idea or not. If you're like any good junkie, you've already done all of these things or you wouldn't be here right now. So at this moment of clarity, this precipice of reality,you have the fine and unnerving oportunity to look out at the horizon. It seems that whatever deity or higher power you believe in, even if it's the all mighty questioning testtube of science, has bent down to allow you this one moment. This one moment to look out upon this great valley that is your life and your existence and ponder why you need to go through this detox. Why this is all necessary. What lead to these times and items. What is it that you were doing when you did the things you did, to borrow from an old "Lil Audrey" song. Were you conscious? Were you in the reality you thought you were in? Were you the person youthought you were; and after this detox, will you look back and be surprised that that person existed? Or will you look back and think it is all for naught? That's the hardest question of the bunch...is this detox going to do something and is it worth it? But any one who has been in this position knows that's not a question to ponder long. Before you know it, you'll bnreak out of your nailed sdhuity room, and be riught in the middle of the junk again. That question can't be asked. So you poonder the others, trying to push that l;ast question further and further out of your mind.

Almost without knowing, almost without seeing, almost without perception; you find yourself telling everyone this is what you're going to do; and it's almost like a pack you're making. But you know these faustian words that they grumble out, no matter how coherent and elequent they are, should not be said to you in your state. These words are the words that will ring out to you in the middle of the cold night sweats. these are the words that will haunt you for the next days....oh yeah, they mean well. But they have no fuckin idea how those words will get twisted up and misconstrued in your addict soaked mind. So you put them aside and try to not not think of them, but you can't help it, you want more. The sadistic side of a pre-detox person is not one to stop themselves from doing this. So they ask for more.

Then you know, you know that you'll be yelling, screraming, and wanting like you've never wanted before. You'll scream out in pain, anguish, fear, and desperation. Why won't anyone help you? Because you've already told them not to. You said you could handle this. Thsi fear of what is to come makes you shake as you get ready to do what you must. You wake up and it all hits you. You're really going to do this. You're really goiing to stop. You're really going to do this for the betterment of you. You're...fuck that, this is going to suck. And onkly at the moment before jumping off the cliff and thinking you're an eagle, do you ever realize the possibility that you might not be an eagle. But, your feet have already left the ground, so you flap and hope for the best.